I don't publish everything I write on here. Sometimes it's because maybe I think it's dumb and not well written. Other times it's too personal to share. I have been debating back and forth for a while, whether or not I should publish this post because it's very personal to me. But I feel like I need to share this to help me. Help me move on. And to maybe help others that have gone through the same thing.


I held Evelyn in my arms a little bit longer this night before I put her to bed. She had just finished her bottle and was sound asleep. I just stared in awe at the perfect little human being that was fast asleep in my arms. Her cute little nose. Her perfect little hands wrapped around the blanket.

Evelyn was going to be a big sister. Was.

I was almost 14 weeks with my second pregnancy. Still no sign of a heart beat. We went in for an ultrasound a couple of hours later where the doctor told us the horrible news. I had lost the baby. I held it in until the doctor left and then I just plunged into Jake's arms and we both sobbed. Thoughts rushed into my head. Miscarriages happen to other people...not me, and what did I do wrong? 

Of course there was nothing I could've done differently. I was the perfect healthy pregnant woman. But that didn't stop me from thinking of things I could've done differently. 

Evelyn was at my moms house and everyone was unaware of the news that we had just received. Jake and I took a couple of hours to ourselves to talk about what had just happened. And cry. Lots and lots of crying. We were so excited to see Evelyn with a new sibling and that they would be just under two years apart. So excited to have another perfect little child in our midst. 

When we went to pick up Evelyn, I ran to her, picked her up and gave her the biggest hug. My thoughts turned from heartbreak to immediate happiness. I was so thankful for this perfect little girl I was holding in my arms and what a joy she has brought into my life. Yet again, I am reminded of how much Heavenly Father loves me and is mindful of everything I go through. I have never once been angry at him during this trial. Some days are still hard. But when those days come around, I look down at the little hand holding mine and smile.

Thanks to the family members who were aware of the situation and for all the help and love that was sent our way. I truly am blessed with an amazing family.